her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
