I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize