Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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