Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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