just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
