I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
