So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
