I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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