my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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