Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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