final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
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But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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