the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
