listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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