loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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