dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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