While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
