My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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