Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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