I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
