if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
