my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
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I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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