I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i've created a new STD.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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