..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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