After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
