I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
