dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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