I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
