I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
