can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
