the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
