I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
