I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
