If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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