so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
