During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
