Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
