I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
