If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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