Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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