Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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