If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
