How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
