I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
