If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
