my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
