He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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