There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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