you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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