At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So much rum. So many feels.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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