Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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