remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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