I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
