chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
