why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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