i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
