I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
