Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
