At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
