I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
