You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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