Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
