new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
