My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
